Americans are now the voting-equivalent of people who sign up for eHarmony even though the ads feature the company’s creepy CEO who looks like a serial killer.

Fact 1: Anybody can get married if they aim low enough, and anybody can be president since we’ve all aimed low enough.

Fact 2: One presidential candidate just fired his second campaign manager who took money from a crooked foreign government, and the other candidate has a shadowy foundation that takes money from many crooked foreign governments.

Fact 3: Our tragically flawed presidential candidates have so much stink on them, it’s like they live in the Rio fart pools. Yet, we’ll still give one of them the Gold nuke codes.

SEE IT: Trump admits to using the ‘wrong’ words

Last week the proof of looming disaster was sitting on our heads like giant Zika mosquitoes. We could see them, we could feel them bite, but we just refused to acknowledge the bugs or even swat ‘em away.

Take Trump’s big almost-apology. It was breaking news that he said he regretted some hurtful things he’d said — although what it was that he regretted we don’t know. Then, “One thing I can promise you … I will always tell you the truth,” which was followed by the release of an incredibly mean, untrue anti-Syrian immigrant ad as the haunting photo of the little wounded Syrian boy was sweeping the world.

So what’s true — what he said in the first place, that he regrets what he said, or that he doesn’t regret it enough to not do it again?

Bill Clinton said Clinton family foundation will stop taking foreign cash IF Hillary gets elected. 

Bill Clinton said Clinton family foundation will stop taking foreign cash IF Hillary gets elected. 

(JIM YOUNG/REUTERS)

Not to be out-Trumped, Hillary’s horndog husband announced that the Clinton family foundation will stop taking foreign cash IF Hillary gets elected. Meaning — what? — that they’ll only take bribes from Americans if she gets elected?

Trump ad hits immigrants day after declaring ‘regret’ for insults

Threat or offer?

Then there’s the shocking civil disobedience.

Despite Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards’s request that the candidates stay away, Trump photo-oped on Friday among the displaced in what used to be Baton Rouge, but is currently an underwater disaster area. Good thing the Trump yacht doesn’t exist anymore or he’d have sailed into the flood.

The Donald spent at least two minutes on the relief assembly line passing boxes of Play-Doh as photogs snapped away. Screw the governor.

Trump insults Obama, signs hats in flood-wracked Louisiana

Meantime, why is it that neither candidate has yet reached into their own deep pockets to help out? We couldn’t find a law banning it.

There’s plenty of real doh sitting in the Clinton Foundation — which is so deep underground, that you’d need a tunnel-boring machine to penetrate it. Are the tens of thousands of desperate Louisianans not on their Global Initiative’s needs list?

The Donald’s a billionaire, so shouldn’t he donate even one measly billion to those who’ve lost everything? What about his Trump Foundation, which the Washington Post exposed as partially funded by NBC?

Maybe they first need to access the value-for-the-dollar publicity opportunities.

Trump supporter Kirstie Alley blasts Obama over Louisiana floods

We don’t even know how much either can afford because no one knows how much money the Clinton foundation has, nor how much Trump earns because he won’t release his tax returns. But like he said to African-American voters on Friday, “What the hell do you have to lose?” Everything?

Fact 4: That stench isn’t just coming from the Rio stink pool, it’s all over us like Fartnado.

NARCH/NARCH 30 EUO

This picture of 5-year-old Omran Daqneesh, with a bloodied face after being rescued in Syria, moved our emotions — but not enough to do anything about the war victims.

(STRINGER/REUTERS)

PICTURES DO NOT RESONATE

During every modern war, an iconic photo of a child suffering unimaginable wounds, horror and trauma emerges, and it is so powerful, that it’s inevitably called “The photo that changed the world,” or “The image that made us rethink war.”

But none of that is true. These are empty phrases that hold no truth.

Brother of Syrian boy in iconic airstrike photos dies

The latest is the photo of little 5-year-old Syrian refugee, Omran Daqneesh, sitting dazed, traumatized, alone and covered in blood.

It’s broken the world’s heart. Not enough for us to do anything, or change Americans’ view of Syrian refugees, or rethink war, though.

It probably won’t any more than the iconic 1972 Vietnam war photo of the screaming Napalmed girl, Phan Thi Kim Phú, whose clothing had melted into her skin change our attitudes about war; any more than did the horrifying WWII photo taken 71 years ago of a little Japanese boy, standing at attention with his dead baby brother strapped to his back after the bombing of Nagasaki.

The only thing that ever changes are the weapons.

Haunting portrait of rescued Syrian boy shows horror of war

EXPRESS LINES

Esquire network will run a marathon of Ryan Lochte’s horrible, failed 2012 reality show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” What he’d do actually, he said, “I always pee in the pool … doesn’t everyone?” Answer: No …

Question of the day/year/millennium: Why does the crooked United Nations exist? They accomplish nothing, don’t stop wars — there have been hundreds of wars with well over 100 million casualties since it was founded in 1945 — and its existence has cost the U.S. billions. Now the latest nightmare is the admittance by spokesman for the secretary general, Farhan Haq, to The Times that the U.N. peacekeepers had a role in bringing the cholera epidemic to Haiti, which killed more than 10,000 people. The useless U.N. should be shut down. Seven decades of crimes against humanity is enough.

Ryan Lochte is sinking deeper into his fake Rio robbery mess.

Ryan Lochte is sinking deeper into his fake Rio robbery mess.

(Ryan Lochte Instagram)

BIG LIE TO MOMMY

Speaking of lies and the notorious Olympic stank pool, the smelly swimmer scandal that’s obsessing the world was all begun by a mama’s boy exaggerating a story to his mommy about a robbery, and then forgetting to tell her not to tell anybody. But she did tell. Everybody in fact. And it’s now an international incident.

That would be Ryan Lochte and his mother, Ileana. Ryan told her that he and his teammates were robbed at gunpoint when they were riding in a taxi. He said they ordered them out, and that he was so brave that he at first refused to get on the ground. Then, of course, he did. He said the bandits didn’t take his wallet, just his money.

Al Roker blasts Ryan Lochte during heated debate with Billy Bush

Thing is? It wasn’t really a lie, just a “Look ma! I’m brave!” tall tale.

What happened was they were riding in a cab, stopped to used the restroom at a gas station, trashed the restroom and the station’s armed guard stopped them from leaving, told them to sit on the curb, which they did, and they were made to pay for the damage.

In Brazil (and some European and Caribbean countries), gas stations are manned by armed guards sporting assault rifles. With the price of gas in those places, it’s like you’re getting held up at gun point anyway.

Rio is particularly narly. In fact the only place in Rio I didn’t see armed guards was on Ipanema Beach when my husband and I got into a rock fight with teenage gangsters who tried to rob us.

Ryan Lochte admits he ‘over-exaggerated’ robbery tale in Rio

I swear that’s NOT a tall tale.

THERE’S JUST NO LOGIC IN KILLING DEFENSELESS ANIMALS

In the most disgusting display of cruelty since demented dentist Walter Palmer posed with beloved Cecil the lion and heartless Rebecca Francis posed with a giraffe she’d felled, 12-year old Aryanna Gourdin, was shocked to face backlash after posting photos hugging and leaning on the dead carcasses of a giraffe and a zebra she’d just killed.

The child defended herself saying killing animals is the best way to help endangered species. That’s logic only a demented parent could teach a kid.

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